Radical Self-Love
During the pandemic, many of us were left to face ourselves in isolation and were left with no other choice but to self-reflect and dive inward to better understand ourselves. It seemed as though with all this time in isolation we began to dig deep and realize that although there may have been a lot “emotionally lacking” within due to various factors such as childhood trauma, past relationships, and/or experiences there was no greater influence than the relationships we held with ourselves.
Self-reflection can be a hard thing to do. It creates a real dialogue where one is able to dig deeper and digging deeper isn’t always easy or comfortable. Through this intentional practice, we are able to examine our feelings, thoughts, and actions and create a greater understanding of what may we need to experience spiritual growth. Seemingly, the grand conclusion led to many a soul going on a quest for self-love.
A thousand bubble baths and candles later… it's safe to say self-love isn’t just about pampering yourself into feeling better. Self-maintenance and relaxation are amazing ways to decompress but they aren’t remotely close to what's needed to heal and redefine self-love.
Self-love is created through having an honest dialogue with yourself and then committing to yourself. Do whatever it is that you need to do to elevate from the space you may find yourself in and do so unapologetically.
Please do not believe that making that commitment is an easy thing! You may have to leave behind the person, the place, the things, and the habits you have allowed into your life. Self-love can be cultivated in the discipline of removing what may have no longer served your life. You may have only allowed yourself to indulge in them because you were “comfortable”.
Comfort is a luxury in itself but some of the things that create comfort keep us stagnant. For instance, I find that familiarity is a safety net for me. Being familiar made me feel as though I was less likely to experience disappointment. What I didn’t realize is that at times familiarity can be problematic because what we may be familiar with is representative of what is “old”. The assumption I had internalized was that because I am familiar with the types of circumstances and relationships I kept experiencing, I would be able to control the outcome. Familiarity gave me an opportunity to better navigate…or so I thought.
Realistically, the need for familiarity didn’t give me the upper hand in controlling my outcomes because there is never any guarantee that you will get your desired outcome simply because of past experiences. The need for familiarity stemmed from a need to control and the need for control stemmed from the fear of being hurt. I had to learn that the fear of being hurt was actually keeping me in a cycle of experiencing hurt.
Moreover, I had to really examine the fear in itself. No one wants to be hurt but being hurt often comes as a result of being vulnerable and open to people, places, and things that are unaligned with you. Granted, having to take on the responsibility of healing oneself after sour experiences can feel like a task and a half. But the bigger picture is that these experiences grant you an opportunity to dig deeper, make peace with yourself, and build healthier boundaries that keep you from reexperiencing certain ordeals.
The real hard work in having radical self-love is examining what ways you may have played a role in your own negative experiences and that in itself is hard. No one wants to accept the fact that some of the actions they took may have contributed to the heart pains they may have felt. Did you accept something you knew you didn’t deserve? What was it and why?
In asking yourself questions like this, you can begin to unravel the reasoning behind why you allowed certain things to transpire in your life. You can start assessing what healthy boundaries you need to keep yourself emotionally safe and tucked away from toxic situations. This is why radical self-love is so vital to growth.
There is a catch-22 though. Grace and compassion are so vital to the process because too much self-reflection can lead to self-judgment which is counterproductive to growth. There is no need to judge yourself for what past versions of yourself may have allowed or accepted. All of it was necessary for your evolution so thank yourself for your past transgressions. that led to the new and improved version of you.
You’re an amazing being and you are allowed to change anything you no longer subscribe to without notice and without question. You’re allowed to reinvent yourself as many times as you need to. Radically love yourself and be relentless and consistent about it. You deserve to love without doubt and hesitation. So don’t be afraid to give it to yourself because how you love yourself is how others will love you.
