Dear Cupid… Go To Hell

As a millennial, love is just not an easy find these days. Between us actually believing that long-lasting and happy relationships are figments of the past and social media influencers being the new relationship gurus it just seems like there’s so many different factors that determine what your experience with love will be. This is easily a controversial matter depending on who you ask as well. It seems like men are from Mars and women are from Venus and its more evident when we speak on love and what that looks like from our perspectives. As for me…Cupid can go straight to hell.

Love has always been an uncomfortable space for me. I believe most of our first impressions of love comes from what we see as children. Different home dynamics make for different ideolgies and practices when it comes to love. I grew up in a home heavily influenced by African and Caribbean culture. In those cultures women have a place and are raised to know and remain in them. I think I’ve always been a bit unruly when it comes to allowing others to determine what womanhood looks like for me but my upbringing had alot to do with what I thought love was.

I had been taught that a woman receiving love is on the basis of what she does for her partner. Want love ? Then know how to cook, clean, be sexual adequate, and my favorite one …“let a man be a man.” This ideal left me so misguided because I can’t tell you how many times I made the mistake of performing wifely duties for individuals that had no idea what being a man actually was let alone being an equally yoked partner for me. Love for me was an experience that was comprised of tasks and chores instead of being emotionally in-tune with someone and committing to their growth and development as you do yours.

When I speak to alot of people that don’t feel too hot about love, I notice that that’s a common ground we walk on. Often, people feel they invested into other people that had no concept of the value they truly were offering them. No matter if you’re a woman or a man, the reality is that there are levels to this love thing. As far as being “the giver”, I believe you have to ask yourself a series of things to determine what and when you should be giving within a relationship. Now a day I ask myself questions to gauge where I am emotionally before just pouring into someone blindly. Some good questions one can ask themselves are :

1. Is giving this person ( insert what is being given) taking away from me? If so what is being taken and can it be replenished ?
2. Am I okay with giving away resources ?
3. Do I feel pressured to give or am I willingly giving ?
4. Do I feel this person needs what I am giving or is it a want?
5. Would I be okay if I didn’t receive that which I am giving ?
6. Do I feel appreciated when I give unto this person ?

Those questions create an internal dialect that gives me the opportunity to reflect if I’m doing in a relationship from a place of pure intention. It also acts as a gauge of what I’m feeling towards a person that I’m involved with because being a giver doesn’t necessarily means you’re in the space to give to others. I’ve noticed asking myself questions also grants me the chance to ensure I’m not making choices based on ideologies embedded in me as a multi-cultured individual because not everything I learned about love is applicable to love.

These days you can hardly tap into social media without seeing an influential or celebrity couple living their best luxurious lives unbothered by the worries of the world. I think seeing luxury is great because it can cause one to feel motivated but being overly exposed to superficiality can create unrealistic standards within one’s reality.

It seems like both men and women have false expectations that lead to toxicity down the line in romantic dealings. Women come expecting men to be financially resourceful and men come into the picture expecting women to be domestically resourceful. The gag is that everyone appears to be seeking a parent more than they are a partner and no one sees the correlation which makes it easier to play the blame game.

For this reason and many others , I belive being single is essential to finding love. Within the journey of being single, you can course correct and fix the things that you know you have to work on. This creates an even playing field for you and your future partner because when people take the time to pour into themselves properly they don’t come into relationships expecting from others what they will not provide for themselves. When seeking out a partner, its better to pay attention to things that will make a difference over a lifetime versus complain about things that don’t have a heavy impact on the overall quality of the relationship.

In my quest for love, I began to notice a shift in me from being a a hopeless romantic to being anti-love and all things relationship. I’ll admit it… I began to deny I even wanted to experience certain things because I didn’t have enough faith I would be able to find an adequate partner capable of giving me what I was asking for. There was also apart of me that was so stuck in my own ways that I didn’t want to have to change for anyone especially not for anyone’s son or daughter ! Certain habits and character traits I had picked up in life were more so apart of my defense mechanism than they were reflections of who I really am and what I really longed for. Furthermore, after years of being “the giver” in past relationships I had decided I no longer would be making space for others more than I made space for me.

The thing about having a mentality like this is that it leads to standards and expectations built on the backs of resentment and fear. Alot of our generation has decided to hyperfocus on what they don’t want, won’t do, and absolutely will never go through again in relationships. As cliche as it may sound , focusing on the negativity is a sure way to bring about more of it. A healthier approach would be to reflect on the lessons learned through your love experiences and use that to foster healthier relationships in your future. The wrong approach used when you’re reflecting on your past can lead to you blocking new love connections coming into your life.

A bigger indication of that mentality may be that you’re not ready to re-enter the dating scene and if that is the case that’s perfectly okay too. Don’t get swept up in this new-aged way of thinking that you have to heal like Wolverine from traumatic or unfavorable relationships. You’re allowed to take the time you need to have a hard reset and get back on track. Honor yourself accordingly.

While finances and sex are key components in a relationship, those shouldn’t be the priority when trying to figure out if you and another person are actually compatible. I believe the reason we’re not seeing alot of healthy long lasting relationships in our generation is simply because of our inability to prioritize the things that contribute to having one. Finances have a tendency to fluctuate as an individual and being in a relationship won’t stop life from happening. A more important thing to consider could be :

1. Does this person have to drive to improve their financial situation ?

2. Is this person a natural provider and supporter when they are financially. comfortable ?

3. Are their honest efforts being made to improve their financial situation?

I’ve talked to so many couples that have been married for 40,50,and 60 years and the shocking commonality they had was that they all built their financial wealth with their significant other. If both parties were already financially comfortable, their lives only increased in value because of their connection. Also, there were periods of time where they weren’t as comfortable and were able to build themselves back up as a couple.

Sex is something that most people are too hasty to have to actually analyze how much of a priority it should be. No one wants to be stuck with someone they’re not sexually compatible with but unless this person private parts are just not “measuring up” to your preference, sex is something that can be worked on and improved upon over time. Somethings to reflect on to asess where you are could be:

1. Is this person teachable ?
2. Do they have a willingness to learn my sexual preferences ?
3. Do I feel comfortable and safe communicating about areas that may need improvement ?
4. Are we sexually compatible at all ?

Sharing your body with someone is a sacred act no matter if it’s casual or done in a committed relationship. It’s important to take your time to ensure you’re choosing someone because you want to. You shouldn’t feel pressure when trying to navigate and figure out what and who is best for you.

There are alot of misconceptions we have forged due to our early childhood influences, social media, and our own personal experiences with love. Every experience that someone has pours into internal belief systems that dictate what we do when we are with someone in a relationship. Love isn’t something that “just happens” and Cupid is not in these streets playing Russian Roulette with his arrows and our hearts. Love is a choice and sometimes that choice isn’t determined by what we consciously want and know we deserve. At times, the choice is coming from a subconscious space within us we choose not to acknowlege. Taking emotional space to grieve past versions of yourself that accepted what was beneath your value is necessary. There’s power in reflection that often leads to one’s own elevation. In choosing you, you are choosing love. Make sure you are always choosing wisely.

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