Breaking News: Cewchie Ain’t Therapy

Dating as a millennial black woman comes with so many plot twists at times it can feel overwhelming, confusing, and downright discouraging. As someone that advocates for black love and saw myself being with black men… as of late, I have not been impressed by the material they’re presenting.

In this day and age, mental health has been popularized due to social media. I know many of us came from households that demonized therapy because “ what went on in the house stayed in the house” but we all know that is a played-out belief we no longer have to hold onto.

As a black woman that is aware of the generational traumas that plagued black people and who has experienced her own traumas, at the age of 26 I began consistently going to therapy to unpack my life and gain a better understanding of myself.

After 4 years of cognitive behavioral therapy, I have been able to gain a deeper understanding of myself because I had done the emotional and mental work to acknowledge the ways in which my traumas had impacted me and the ways in which they informed my responses.

Prior to therapy, I can honestly say 90% of my beliefs about what dating should be was rooted in toxicity. I was emotionally negligent of myself and had conditioned myself to be numb and avoidant of attachments. After therapy, it was as though my lenses had been cleansed and I could actually see myself. I knew what I wanted, why I required what I wanted, and most importantly I understood my choices and responses.

The thing about exposure is that once you’ve been exposed to better you know better and wish to only experience better. I was most certain with my new wings from therapy, I was ready to love and be loved. What I didn’t factor in was that my growth didn’t necessarily guarantee I would be able to navigate men that didn’t share my same sediments about doing the internal work.

Boy was I so wrong!

I was so surprised to learn that many men actually consider the woman they’re involved with as a sense of therapy. How mortifying! The emotional responsibilities being placed on a woman literally sickened me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how grown-ass men didn’t feel the need to be proactive about their mental health and healing because of their involvement with women!

I can’t count how many times I had a man say to me “ Why do I need to go to therapy… I got you.” Like, excuse the f*** out of me! I couldn’t bring myself to be emotionally available to men that couldn’t even be emotionally available to themselves. In fact, I made it a point of duty to let men know that was not my job and let them go .

Nonetheless isn’t this an interesting concept to explore? Men are really out here in the world avoiding therapy because of the belief that a woman is supposed to hold and create emotional space for him to release his trauma and heal. Selfishness and self-neglect are so real within that mentality.

First off, no woman that is doing the internal work and self-development deserves to deal with a man that isn’t doing the work for himself. I used to be the biggest advocate for therapy but now I truly see it as a red flag when a man has not explored it for himself. Why should I have to identify what you need?

The argument may be that therapy isn’t for everyone but I strongly disagree. I believe as long as you’re alive after the pandemic…you need therapy. Also, this really boils down to your values. If you absolutely value therapy then involving yourself with people that reflect that becomes a non-negotiable.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s super stressful to maintain connections and relationships with people that have not explored therapy because they lack the emotional intellect to maintain the connection with me. It’s literally like we’re speaking two different languages because they see everything as an attack as opposed to an opportunity to explore differences and create emotional dialect.

I don’t have the bandwidth to teach someone how to become emotionally compatible with me. If you don’t understand me because of the work you have yet to do with yourself then baby leave me the hell alone!

There seems to be this expectation for black women to be the emotional punching bags for black men and I am truly tired and disgusted by that notion. A lot of black men grew up witnessing the black women in their lives suffering. As adults, they have normalized black women having a high tolerance for what they do not deserve because that’s what they witnessed. It’s almost expected for a black woman to nurture anything and anyone back to its greatness (except for herself).

The problem with this mentality is that it constantly creates a falsehood that black women are supposed to be accepting of the negative and draining emotional states that are presented to them. When she isn’t accepting of it she’s labeled “weak” and accused of not being a “ride or die”. Imagine…a black woman’s strength being measured by her ability to take on the trauma of others! The audacity!

I have learned that as a black woman, typically I am placed into the box of being a strong woman amongst a number of other stereotypes. It’s almost insulting to men when I refuse to deal with the nonsense they present as themselves.

I’ve come to recognize strength comes in a plethora of ways. Strength can also be demonstrated in the ability to decline to be a part of chaos after working so hard to create your own peace.

As a wise woman once said, “ Broke niggas don’t deserve p****”. I wholeheartedly agree! I’m not speaking solely financial either ( although that’s applicable as well).

Women have to make it a point of duty to stop dating below the level of internal work they have done. If you have taken the time out to level up and heal from your past it should be mandatory for anyone you choose to be involved with. By trying to be the conduit for someone’s emotional health you’re actually being an emotional enabler and setting yourself up to be hurt.

Nonetheless, sex is amazing when the person you’re having it with is mentally and emotionally available to be consistent and don’t add unnecessary issues to the mix because they haven’t done the internal work to enjoy a good thing called YOU!

I’ve always found that people that have a low emotional intellect self-sabotage and do not know how to remain consistent and accept a healthy situation because they aren’t used to connections without chaos. It’s always terrible dealing with these types of individuals because if not careful, you’ll begin to question your own growth.

Ultimately dealing with certain types of people can be a reflection of the healing you still need to do but whilst you call yourself emotionally leveling up, it's better to be alone versus entertain what no longer serves you on so many different levels.

There are a lot of men that find value in cutting the mental shackles of their trauma so that they are capable of receiving and reciprocating healthy connections. Find yourself one and have amazing sex.

Men, please understand …cewchie is therapeutic but it is not therapy!